Tales of the Parodyverse

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CrazySugarFreakBoy!
Tue Oct 03, 2006 at 07:47:44 pm EDT
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Women in Refrigerators: The Chapter That You All Should Have Seen Coming …
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Women in Refrigerators: The Chapter That You All Should Have Seen Coming …

No less than three interested parties contacted Mars Meltsher that day.

The first was Otomo Osamu, a.k.a. Origami-San of the Ass-Raping Ninjas Student Loan Collection Agency, whom Meltsher knew to be speaking on behalf of his father, Lionel, Lord Lodestone, of Entropy Enterprises. He knew this, simply because anyone who knew anything knew that Lodestone was the actual authority behind the Ass-Raping Ninjas, and his illegitimate Eurasian son Otomo was merely his underboss, who acted as a buffer for his father, so that the British former supervillain could continue to operate above the law.

The second was an anonymous inquiry that Meltsher traced to the Odyssey Obelisk tower, still being rebuilt in Seattle, the source of which told Meltsher nothing, since even with the level of security exercised as a standard matter of course by Odyssey Opportunities, any construction site for such a mass-media hub would make a natural target for hackers who wanted to hijack a signal, to conceal their own identities while communicating with others.

The third was Argh!Yle!, Evilest of Socks, who sent Meltsher an e-mail from his AOL account, offering him “5ive doller$, plus a bunch of Canadian coins I found in my couch.”

All three parties were interested in the same target, and none of them had even considered contacting anyone else, simply because anyone who knew anything knew that Mars Meltsher was without equal in his highly specialized field of business.

Nobody went to him if they wanted a superhero (or superheroine) assassinated, but if they wanted a girlfriend, wife, mother, daughter or any other female family members or friends of a superhero kidnapped, brainwashed, tortured, raped, impregnated, murdered or even desecrated after they were already dead, they went to Mars Meltsher, the “Women in Refrigerators” Killer. So, three separate parties contacting him on the same day was nothing unusual for him, but all three of them expressing an interest in the same target was.

As near as Meltsher could determine, April Alice Apple was a perfect target. Yes, thanks to her fiancé’s connections, she had acquired an impressive extended network of powerful allies, but their forces were so distracted, divided and drained by spreading themselves so thin, around the world and across the cosmos, that even his cautious assessments predicted that slipping through their ranks would prove to be a relatively effortless procedure. As for Apple herself, once she’d been isolated, all reports available to him indicated that she had no experience, training, skills or native superhuman abilities with which to defend herself.

Easy enough to merit the risks, but high-profile enough to perpetuate his reputation for another generation. April Alice Apple may have created a fictional costumed crimefighting alter ego for her comic books, but Mars Meltsher had no significant evidence that the self-styled “Groovy Gecko-Gal” could save herself, or fight back, in real life.


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